Lunch with The Count
When did my toddler transition from a high chair to mommy’s lap to Count Dracula?
Wait that wasn’t in the “So you’re becoming a mommy handbook!”
So there we are has our meals arrived & all I want to do is devour the cheesy shrimp enchiladas, meanwhile my daughter wanted to metamorphosis into The Count puppet!
Oh no, not now baby girl, let me set you down.
Wrong choice! No sooner than I set her down she let out a wrenching cry!
Crap…ok back up on mommy’s lap you go…
I’m starving & I’m going to eat! There I am eating with my left hand and
thankful CHEESE is not dropping down into her hair!
But nope my sweet toddler then began her rendition of Count!
Ha-ha-ha … her voice got louder, & louder, & louder !!!
Yep she’s also at the stage of self feeding (yay) except there’s chicken on my pant leg & on the floor. I’m sure the waiter is giving us the stink eye by now!
And her Count rendition of ha-ha-ha continued.
Thankfully we concluded our meal and as we left she began calling me “baby!”
What?! No my name is Mommy!!!
Dress Verses Food
Are you kidding me?
I can’t believe the fairies decided to show up on my shopping day!
Here I was shopping at the mall looking for a dress that would scream
“Buy Me, Buy Me!”
with my style and personality all over it! But before I could find that fabulous dress I would have the fairies and best buddy, Rosa, come along for what became an epic dress fiasco.
But before I reached that moment of dress success, enhanced with heavenly singing as background to my own personal runway walk, I would be stuck standing inside a dressing room with a dress suffocating my face!
Hold up before you start to laugh and giggle, I must start from the beginning.
We made the fatal mistake of eating before eleven o’ clock that morning. Five hours later I had tried on over 30 plus dresses. No breaks, pauses or stops just dress after dress. From the scrunched look on Rosa’s face she was getting either very annoyed or very hungry – possibly both. I could tell that her patience was wearing thin and I even thought I had heard her stomach growl at me in complaint. But they say, “Beauty Is Pain,” and I was the one who was trying on the dresses!
She knew what she was getting into as she agreed to be my supporter and cheerleader as well as be the extra pair of hands to help me zip in and out of dresses.
I told Rosa before we left for the mall to take a cereal bar in her purse and even offered to purchase her an energy drink. But she was the one who refused, saying she would get a fruit smoothie at the mall and wait until we ate lunch later.
Ding, Ding, Ding! A siren should have gone off at that statement.
Anyone who knows me knows my #1 Shopping Rule. I will NOT eat until I find the perfect dress!
See when I go shopping I do not eat. I do not eat until I have found the perfect outfit and on this particular day the perfect dress was my top priority.
However, Rosa loves food and even though MY philosophy is “Eat after we purchase,” her philosophy is, “If I’m hungry, I’m going to eat.”
And she has no problem saying she loves food. Now, we all have that one friend who loves food. But on this particular shopping day I needed to find the perfect dress and everything else could wait.
So there I was standing with my back towards Rosa as she zipped me into a blue sequence dress and buttoned the three rhinestone buttons that went into the world’s thinnest material.
I turned around and gazed at my reflection in the mirror only to be discouraged. I did not love the dress and it screamed “formal business gala” more than “I am here, see me sparkle!”
Rosa told me she liked the dress; thought it was pretty. She even offered to take my photo. Of course I proudly stood for a selfie only to look back at the photograph with even more certainty that this was NOT the dress for me.
I looked up from the phone into Rosa’s face and was blasted by her yawn and cry of hunger.
“I’m hungry!”
“Hungry! Are you serious? I told you to pack a cereal bar!”
Rosa replied that it had been over five hours since our last meal.
This did not give me any comfort or sympathy to her. I simply restated that just like the models, I would not eat anything. Especially when trying on clothes because it only enhances your belly.
But this statement flew over Rosa’s head and bypassed her ears because no sooner had I spoken, Rosa suggested we go eat. Steamed, I suggested she remember my philosophy.
I was so angry and said hastily, “Unzip me!”
She chose that moment to exit the dressing room, but I forgot to ask her to undo the world’s tiniest rhinestones buttons that were resting on the base of my neck.
So there I was in my tiny dressing room cell shuffling around as I tried to untangle myself from the dress, thinking how in the world would I get out of it now.
I was too stubborn to go ask for help and even more annoyed that this 31st dress was not the one.
I thought to myself, “Hold on, it went around my head before, surely it could go around my head again.”
So I let my unreasonable thoughts take over and I began to attempt this horrific plan.
I had managed to set my arms free from the dress, now I needed to pull it up and over. And voila it would be done!
But as I began to pull the dress up and over me, I realized my head had either grown in size or the fairies were there to make the dress impossible to go over my head by squeezing the buttons together.
Did the buttons really make the neck hole that much tighter! I mean it seemed loose before I attempted this magic trick.
I tugged, I wiggled, I held my breath, and managed to rub makeup off onto the dress. Perfect. I began to feel suffocated and attacked by blue sequins, scratchy beads, and tiny rhinestones.
I tugged and wiggled more, but the dress would not budge.
I thought to myself, “Oh for heaven’s sake, if there was a video recording camera in the dressing room the security guard would be dying laughing at my scenario.”
Then I began to panic! The saying, “If you break you buy it,” started running through my mind. I was envisioning being on one of those embarrassing cable shows that make fun of people in stores. I would be on a 60 inch plasma tv, with some washed up comedian making snide remarks to accompany my scenario!
O.M.G! What if I tore this horrific dress? And then had to buy the horrible thing and wear it to my special occasions. What if I really was being recorded for a television show!
So I tugged and wiggled more.
Rosa must have known something was up, because my phone began to play my ringtone, “I got the eye….”
Me: “Hello!” I said annoyed and out of breath since I had to leap to my purse and hit the speaker icon.
Rosa: “Hey are you okay in there?”
My subconscious thoughts, “No I’m not, I’m stuck in a dress and it’s your fault because you’re tired and hungry! Even though, I told you to pack a cereal bar!!!”
Me: “Oh, yeah, just trying on another dress but it’s not the one. And I didn’t want to walk out in it.”
Truth be known, I didn’t want to walk out in the same blue sequenced dress over my head. Did I mention I was on speaker phone and still tugging and wiggling from the dress!
Rosa: “Okay, well it’s getting late and I’m really hungry. Think you’re about ready?”
My subconscious thoughts again: “Aaaaahhhhh, there she goes again being hungry!! So it’s been 5 hours since your last meal or drink of water. Really, you’ll be okay. But I couldn’t take it anymore. Her whining was accompanied by a faint ripping sound when I realized I was in serious trouble.
Me: “Rosa, I’m stuck in this sequence dress. Please come help me.”
Rosa: (Laughter over the phone.) “Are you serious!?”
My subconscious thoughts once again: “No, I’m joking and I really want you to come see me in my mixed-match under garments!!! What better way to scream fashion than to wear a formal dress bra along with polka-dot granny panties.”
Me: “Yes, Rosa, I’m serious! Come help me and then we’ll go eat.”
After Rosa helped me and finished laughing at my fiasco, I couldn’t help but think, “Darn you fairies! You had me freaking out in a dressing room cell. I bet you were the ones keeping the buttons clenched closed and scratching my face with the sequins!”
We finally managed to eat a late lunch, or should I say, early dinner. Then we continued shopping and a few hours later I did end up finding the perfect dress. Dare I say we are now on the hunt for the perfect shoes, the perfect shade of lipstick, and the perfect combination of glitz and glam with diamond earrings and necklace. The fairies may be even more amused with our next shopping adventure.
*Anything that resembles actual events is purely coincidental*